When it comes to taking a vacation, we only really need France.

It has beaches on the Atlantic coast where you can surf, and more on the south coast where you can spend all day pretending not to look at breasts. It has mountains for skiing and hiking. It has the best cheese in the world, the best mustard in the world and the best wine in the world.

I could go on, so I will. It has the best weather in the world, the best scenery in the world and it's even replete with funny-looking little locals who sit outside their houses in baggy clothes. But unlike poor people in say India or Brazil, they don't pester you for money, or try to sell you paper napkins and hot dogs at the traffic lights.

You could go to Arizona to see the Grand Canyon but what's the point? France has canyons too. You could go to Russia for the culture, but why? The popes never lived in Moscow. There are no Roman viaducts in St Petersburg. You are simply wasting jet fuel.

James May once said that France only exists so we can drive more easily to Italy but this, I'm afraid, proves the man is mad. Because France has everything anyone could ever want from a holiday destination and, of course, it's right next door.